When Alan was in his early 70’s, his wife Joan started to see signs of his memory and behaviour changing.  Changes that at first were puzzling, became more frequent and collectively started to raise the alarm. 

“He’d be driving home and take the wrong turn,” explains Joan. “He didn’t recognise people he used to know and sometimes he’d just go off for hours and I wouldn’t know where he was.” 

Things that were second nature to him on their 120-acre sheep farm in Strathbogie, suddenly became challenging. “He struggled to find the reverse pedal on the ride-on mower and even asked me what oil he needed to put in the chainsaw.” 

His moods began to change too.  “He’s very mild-mannered, but suddenly he’d get very angry for no reason at all and just head off into the paddocks to calm down.” 

There were multiple trips to the doctor, one of whom sent Alan a script for anti-depressants.  Tests were done and he received a dementia diagnosis. 

Joan and Alan were sitting on the couch in the loungeroom of their farm when things came to a head. Their three daughters had just returned to Melbourne and Alan turned to her and said, “Why is everyone suggesting we sell the farm?  We’re doing ok, aren’t we?” 

Joan and Alan met at Sunday School in Murrumbeena. They fell in love as teenagers before marrying in their early 20’s.  She was a teacher, he was an accountant. They went on to have three daughters – Sue, Anita and Jenny – and later on four grandchildren. They’ve been married nearly 60 years. 

In their mid-50s they sold their Melbourne home and bought their farm. Together they transformed it into a sheep farm, with Alan even building a shearing shed and teaching himself how to shear sheep.   

The dementia diagnosis, while not a surprise to Joan, didn’t sit well with Alan’s picture of himself.  “When he heard the diagnosis, he said ‘it is what it is’ but he refused to talk about it and certainly didn’t accept it,” explains Joan.  “I still don’t think he knows or accepts that he has Alzheimer’s disease.” 

When Joan no longer felt they were safe on the farm, Alan finally relented and agreed to sell.  They moved to a lovely home in nearby Euroa.  The family ensured that Alan had an Aged Care Assessment done and he was allocated a Home Care Package.  The extra help and support from Alan’s package gave Joan some space to plan.  

As Alan’s dementia progressed, their care needs as a couple changed.  “Days passed and he would not get out of bed or get dressed,” says Joan.   “I was no longer able to look after him properly.  One time I woke up and he was gone.  I found him sleeping in the freezing cold on the porch covered by just a blanket.” 

Joan’s family has enjoyed a long and trusted history with Uniting AgeWell.  Both her mother and grandmother were at Strathdon Community and her daughter, Sue, is Director of Residential Support Services at Uniting AgeWell.  Without hesitation, Uniting AgeWell was first on the list as Joan approached the daunting task of finding Alan a higher level of care. 

In August last year Alan moved to Hawthorn Community initially for respite care and decided to stay on. 

Joan is now selling their Euroa home and moving closer to Alan.  She visits him every second day and is slowly carving out a new life for herself.  She knits, reads, watches TV and loves spending time with her family. 

“I miss Alan,” she says simply, “but I have deep faith, which helps me to cope.  I’m also comforted in knowing he is in the right place.  The staff are all amazingly kind and supportive and most importantly Alan is happy.  He enjoys the food and joins in with some of the activities.” 

Over the years Joan has learned a lot about dementia.  “It’s progressive – already Alan has no concept of the length of time between my visits.  I dread the day when he no longer recognises me.” 

Joan is now considering forming a support group with other family members with loved ones with dementia at Hawthorn Community.  “It would certainly give us the opportunity to share stories over a cuppa and support one another.”   

She also has Uniting AgeWell in her corner, helping her every step of the way.